It has been so interesting to read all the responses here, and helpful, so thankyou. I see there is strong support for not leaving out the dementia years. You have all made good points, and they highlight too that we have to judge it right for the particular person and the particular funeral.

In my case, I have no intention at all of mentioning my involvement with my aunt during her illness - the people there either know already, or don't want to know! - and I feel that it would be best to steer clear of controversy by drawing attention to the very few people who made an effort with her in her illness... (so, no, Jennifer, there was never going to be any point scoring). Personally I do not need to be thanked or acknowledged, but the reason I asked the question here is that I think that people need to learn that dementia is part of a life too, and until we start seeing people with dementia as the people they are, not just as an embodiment of the illness, then the prejudices and misunderstandings will continue. I realised I had fallen into this trap too, by not mentioning the dementia in my first draft.

In the eulogy I plan to say how I got to know her in a different way through her illness, and I describe my last memory of her in the garden with the flowers. I think this says what I want to say - that she was a beautiful human being right to the end, and the dementia was a part of that.

I have also asked the person taking the service to remove the phrase 'despite her condition' when describing my aunt with dementia, and also asked her not to talk about the 'inevitable loss and distance' it brings. I think the loss and distance is from the people around, not the person themselves. When my aunt couldn't speak, I think necessity brought us even closer.