My grandma has dementia. She’s been having it for about 6 years. Every year that passes, it gets worse. It’s becoming unbearable.
Originally she was in a nursing home for about 8 months. The nurses weren’t taking care of her properly, so my family and I decided to bring her back home, while an aid comes to care for her. Eventually I moved in with her to help out too. But over the years, she’s become out of control and violent. She constantly yells, cries, and lately she’s been walking around the house on her own and trying to leave. She’s a fall risk, so she needs assistance when trying to walk around. She never calls for assistance, she just goes on her own, which is a bit scary. She’s gotten so violent, we had to hide the knives. I’m constantly having bruises, bite marks, scratches all over my body because of her. She’s my grandma, I can’t hit back, I have to understand, it’s her illness. But my mental health is draining because of this situation. I don’t really have my family backing me up to help out with her. They don’t really want to deal with her. They barely come around. So I’m left with a lot of it. I’m not a trained professional to handle something like this.
Also, the home attendants that come here are dirty, they never keep the house clean after she makes a mess, and I constantly have to tell them to do it. Expressing this to my family goes in one ear and out the other. The home attendants do whatever they want and my family lets it happen.
It has gotten so bad, that I just feel like giving up and not wanting to help care for her. I truly love my grandma. Just saying that makes my family angry. They make me feel like I’m obligated to care for her because I live with her. It’s like, I can’t catch a break. I’m 36 years old and I suffer from mental health, and dealing with my grandmother makes me feel worse.
I have things in my head that I think about. Things that make me feel like a terrible person. Sometimes I feel like if my grandmother passes, everything will be over and I wouldn’t feel so terrible. Sometimes I feel like punching her in the face and knocking her out. I feel like this situation has caused my family and I to go through major conflict. It’s a mess.
Am I a bad person if I give up on her completely?
I feel like, after all is said and done and she passes, I’m going to continue living with the emotional scar of what I’ve been through with her.
I need advice from people who know and understand. I’m ready to leave everything behind, especially my grandma, just for my sanity. I’m all over the place. I don’t know what to do anymore. At times I’ve contemplated killing myself because I’m so overwhelmed.
Any advice or support is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
