What a great husband and what a fantastic carer to your wife! I have a lot of sympathy with the difficulties you are experiencing with personal hygiene, change of clothes etc and I think sadly, it is happens quite often at some point. I had a couple of years when I battled to get Mum undressed at night, and then dressed again in the morning - and I would say that three nights out of seven, she would go to bed with all her clothes on because I simply couldn't find a way round it and my persistence just ended up upsetting her. Similarly, I struggled first with the bath (we had a rise and recline chair but Mum hated it); went back to the shower and I could just about manage once in a blue moon "blocking" off her escape route and pretty much getting in the shower with her. We washed in stereo! A big warm towel afterwards helped to soothe her but it wasn't easy. Now, for some reason, she loves having a shower once we get going - hated her hair washed before - now loves it. I generally help her into her PJs in the late afternoon with one of the loo visits and have a fleece jacket and knee blankets etc to ensure she stays warm.
Sorry to be graphic, but my MIL wipes her bottom with her hands, then wipes her hands on anything she finds, so I try to "supervise" loo visits as much as I can without invading her privacy. So odd behaviour around the bathroom isn't unusual. And both Mum and my MIL have, at one time or another, hit, kicked, spat with intention!
I think insofar as aggression is concerned, you are doing the right thing. There isn't really answer - except to ensure that your wife is safe, and then to back off and leave it for 10 mins or so, and see if you can try again. But I'm sure you know all that.
I have to say that I agree with Christin. Many carers for people with dementia understand about aggression and the tendency to lash out - and the best carers often have ways to defuse, distract - they certainly don't get flustered, or blame the person and they don't force. If you have a sympathetic GP, why not have a word with them in case at night your wife might be helped by a mild anti-anxiety drug? Perhaps, for some reason, she finds being undressed - even by you - threatening and intrusive. nd if you don't have an understanding female relative whom you could trust - see if Social Services might be able to help you try a carer who is experienced with dementia, to get you help with this area of care.
It sounds like you are doing a superb job - but I do think you need a bit of support - and if your wife related to a female carer - you might find the aggression is defused making night-times and washes easier. Might be worth a try?
